Are Turkish Men Controlling? My Experience Marrying a Turkish Man

Let me start off with the simple fact that you do not have to travel all the way to Turkiye, or any Muslim country, to find a man who is controlling, jealous, or abusive. After marrying my husband, there seem to be a few lingering questions that people are hesitant to ask me. Is my husband controlling and jealous? Was I forced to convert to Islam? Don’t Muslim men hit their wives? Do I have to do all of the housework? Can he marry another wife? All of which are fair. I would have the same questions.

Religion vs Culture

I want to explain that religion and culture are not the same thing. Of course, culture is influenced by religion, but Muslims, just like Christians, do not exist in a vacuum. Culture plays a large part in how women are perceived and what they are socially allowed to do. Many religions and cultures hold or have held the belief that men should govern over women. That does not mean, however, that all believers feel the same way.

Funny enough, I have a few conservative Christian family members who treat their wives with more control and dominance than they fear that Muslim men do. They embody the stereotype they hold Muslims to. The only difference is that their wives don’t cover their heads.

Consider this: women in Turkey were allowed to vote for 12 years before women of France. Meanwhile, women in Saudi Arabia were not allowed to drive until 2018. In Iran women are required by law to cover their heads, while Kyrgyzstan (a predominantly Muslim country) had a female president in 2010. It is important to note that how religion is used by leaders to control its citizens is not always a reflection of the beliefs of the people. 

Control

I think we should start off with the control aspect. Are Turkish men controlling? First and foremost, anyone can be controlling. It is not exclusively a Muslim or a Turkish thing. Controlling Turkish men certainly exist, but controlling men exist In every corner of the world. My most basic answer is that, just like anywhere else, it depends on who you marry. 

There are multiple factors involved that must be considered because the idea of control is different across borders. Thus, culture has to be taken into consideration. In the western mind, doing whatever you want with no rules is the equivalent of freedom. In collectivist cultures, they do not value impulsive or “wild” behavior.

When you marry a Turk, regardless of gender, you cannot expect to continue living as if you were single. If you want to do as you please and be free, then why be in a relationship? Respecting the boundaries of the relationship and considering your partner are essential. Is this controlling? I suppose it depends on who you ask. To a Turk, if you want to act single, then you shouldn’t enter into a relationship.

Propriety and respectability are fundamental in Turkish culture. Turkish men and women will not want their partners to do anything that degrades them. What is often misunderstood about Muslim culture is that women are actually very highly valued. They are like precious gems and must be protected. That being said, dancing provocatively in a bar wouldn’t receive the same encouragement as it does in the US. It isn't seen as being free, it is seen as degrading for both genders. 

In Turkiye, if your partner allowed or encouraged this behavior, it would mean they didn’t respect you. If you consider this to be control, then you might call them controlling. But, it is all about perspective and it works both ways. 

I personally appreciate a partner who values me to the extent that he will ensure I hold myself to higher standards and will not allow that I go beneath them. You can view this as control or you can view this as respecting your partner and wanting you to be the best version of yourself. In Turkiye, being yourself doesn’t give you an excuse to do whatever you want. Instead, you should highlight your best points.

Jealousy

Jealousy is another big conversation piece when I mention that my husband is Turkish. Again, you don’t need to marry a muslim to have a jealous partner. To talk about jealousy, we must again take culture into consideration.

In Turkiye, men and women are not friends unless they know each other from work or school. However, the concept of having a best friend of the opposite sex who you communicate with daily is unheard of and would not be tolerated by either gender. In fact, being upset about something like this would not be seen as jealousy at all. Rather, it would be seen as common sense since such a relationship with the opposite gender could compromise the relationship.

Jealousy doesn’t discriminate. I find Turkish women to be equally as “jealous” as Turkish men. As an example, I often visit my husband’s family restaurant where his brothers also work. Every time I see my sisters-in-law, they want to know if their husbands are looking at other women. Not talking, just looking. 

There is a very clear line when it comes to male and female relationships. If a man were to talk to a woman by messaging her on Instagram or approaching her in the street, there could only be one motive. Everyone is aware of this motive and there are no blurred lines. This is why men cannot simply approach Turkish women. In a Turkish woman’s mind, this would be offensive and a sign that the man thinks they are easy. 

More than one wife?

In Turkiye, polygamy is against the law, so the concept of having more than one wife is strongly opposed by society. When we went to Egypt, we spoke to our guide who told us he was ready to take on another wife. My husband himself had a lot of questions for him and was surprised by some of the answers. Clearly, polygamy is not part of Turkish culture and is an example of how religion and culture are not synonymous. 

Does my husband do housework?

The stereotypical muslim male does not lift a finger at home and is completely catered to by their wives. While this does happen and is quite common particularly in older generations, it is not a one size fits all. Globally, women do more unpaid labor than men. I will say, however, that roles in marriage are more firm in Turkiye. Men are pressured to be men by other men and women are pressured to be women by other women. Who you marry and the role you take on in the beginning of the marriage will greatly influence who does the housework. If you decide not to work, then you will be expected to pull your weight at home, which I think is fair.

Turkish men will be men and they will expect you to respect them as men. Similarly, Turkish women will expect a man to take on the male role. In order for a Turkish woman to marry a man, he has to show that he can provide for her. So, if you are looking for a role-free relationship, it might not be a good choice for you.

I firmly believe that Turkish people are aware that Westerners have different beliefs about gender roles, so it would likely be a topic that comes up early on in the relationship.

In my situation, my husband works significantly more than I do, so I don’t mind taking on a larger portion of the responsibilities at home. If I were the breadwinner working 12 hours a day while my partner stayed at home, I would also expect more from their side in terms of chores. Regardless, my husband still helps out on his days off and often cooks either breakfast or dinner. I think that being happy with the arrangements is the most important thing. I can say that I am.

Gender Roles

Gender roles are still largely in place in Turkiye, which I also think is more part of culture than religion. For instance, Turkish women as well as Eastern European women work and take care of the house duties. This can be a very negative thing, but I’d like to argue that it has its positive points as well. For instance, it’s very uncommon for Turkish men to load off of working women due to the need to fulfill their role as the provider.

Additionally, roles provide people with meaning and identity. One of the first things that I noticed when I came to Turkiye was that people do not have the level of identity issues that they have in the US. Of course having a strong culture and religion gives a person strong roots for their identity, however I think that roles also play a large role. Everyone knows what they should be doing and what is expected of them.

Conclusion

All in all, how you interpret the culture can greatly affect your view on how controlling or jealous they are. There are positive and negative sides, but it largely depends on your personal beliefs as well as that of the person you want to enter into a relationship with. It wouldn’t be wise to slap a label on a group of people when the values of a culture itself is not understood.