3 Things From Turkish Culture That I Will Teach My Children

Four years ago I was backpacking in Turkiye when I met my soon-to-be husband. Four years later, I'm still here and I can tell you that it has been a wild ride. Needless to say, there were a few cultural differences and, by a few, I mean everything from how you cross the street to how you stand in line to how you talk to others, is different. To say that this was a psychological battle is an understatement as I tried to grasp and cling to every ounce of identity I had - anything that was familiar from my past.

Time passed. A lot of time. About two years of kicking and screaming later I began to see everything with new eyes that learned to cherish many of the things I was fighting. The reason I am telling you this is because, now, as I sit here in my Istanbul apartment, I think about the things I have learned and I know how odd they may seem, how much resistance they might bring about. Despite everything, they have changed my life so I think they are worth sharing. Here are 3 things from Turkish culture that I will be teaching my children.

#1 Don’t tell everyone everything about you

Something that came to me as quite a shock when I came to Turkey was the concept of privacy and the act of keeping personal information to yourself. As someone who comes from a culture of oversharing, I initially felt very discouraged by this concept and felt that the people around me didn’t know who I was. How would they know where I’ve been or what I am like if I don’t tell them about my life? Over time, I grew to realize the simple fact that not everyone deserves to know you. Not everyone deserves to know aspects of your relationship with your partner, what you do for work, your family background, or where you come from. Strangers do not need to know you personally and, if you keep things private, I can assure you that you do not cease to exist.

In Turkish culture, I have found that people do not particularly talk about themselves or their lives other than basic details. Relationships are extremely private and anything that happens between you and your partner is not passed around, especially not to random people you meet at a bar. I know how restrictive this may sound. Us Westerners are coached to be the main character, to stand out, and to shout from the rooftops; however, I can assure you that this 'restriction' is liberating. It is liberating because you come to a point where you do not need reassurance from others or confirmation of who you are. 

#2 Virtue

Virtue sounds like a word from the Old Testament, I know. What exactly is virtue and why is it something I am interested in teaching my children? Virtue is a trait of excellence and includes attitudes, behavior, intellect, or disposition that shows high moral standards. Some of these include: a clean appearance, wisdom, maintaining self-control, discipline, honor,  speaking thoughtfully, stoicism, temperance, grace, and courage. Marcus Aurelius advises us to behave in moderation with no surplus words or actions and to never behave out of compulsion. In Turkish culture, it seems there is a way of behaving in which you strive towards excellence. If you ever visit Turkiye, you might notice that people do not go to the store in their pajamas and even bus drivers wear button-up shirts with ties. Interestingly, apart from the newest generation, they don’t even post pictures on social media of them in their sweatpants. Similarly, when guests come to your home, it's considered rude if you don’t change into proper clothes.

Turks try to conduct themselves in a proper manner by not speaking too loudly, not showing too much emotion, sitting up straight, dressing well, and maintaining privacy. Of course, people are not perfect and you can still see through the cracks, but I can’t help but admire them for it. This way of behaving is in contrast to this day and age where we are encouraged to be ourselves; interestingly, Turks don’t seem to view it as a limitation or restriction. You are not pretending to be something you’re not. Rather, it is a display of your best qualities because, again, not everyone deserves to know you, your flaws, or your morning breath. The obsession we have of needing to show things in order for them to be true is not as prevalent here. Thus, you do not have to show you have flaws, it is common sense that you have them.

This same essence of virtue can be seen in other countries such as Japan as well as in older generations of the United States, the UK, and South Africa. However extreme this idea may sound, time has allowed me to see it as a beautiful thing and has helped me to become the type of person I had always hoped to be. You see, virtue has a way of seeping into your personal life as well and you may find yourself adopting qualities of excellence that you merely attempted to put forth before. It must be said that what is considered to be morally good behavior differs across regions and cultures; however, I think there are some basics and having these virtues gives us something to work towards. The idea of emphasizing the best version of ourselves is something I can’t help but respect. 

#3 Values

After virtues, we have values and your virtues pretty much depend on what your values are. If you value telling the truth, you may have the virtue of honesty. If you value learning, you may have the virtue of wisdom. Values are what we hold as important to us and can act as a guide to living a life that is not in dissonance with what we hold dear. Dissonance happens when there is no harmony between two things. If you are in harmony with something, it should be what you hold important. As I mentioned before, adopting virtuous behavior or disposition often causes you to adopt these virtues as values as well. There are a lot of commonly held values taught from a young age in Turkiye which I think acts as a glue keeping people together. For example, people truly value family and, because of that, they don’t speak badly about their mothers or fathers no matter what kind of parents they were. It seems that slandering your parents’ names is something that you just don’t do and, again, I can’t help but admire them for it.

So, then why do values need to be taught? The reason for that is that values are emotional and are stronger influencers of behavior than rationality. This is why, even when you know something is wrong, you do it anyway unless it is one of your values. A common example is that you may know that talking badly about your parents isn’t a good thing, but everyone else is doing it these days and you were never taught to value family; consequently, you tell everyone and their dog about what your mom did. You may also know that recycling is the right, rational thing to do, but because conservation is not something you value, you don’t go out of your way to do it.

Knowing what your values are is, I believe, extremely important because it helps you to follow a path that is uniquely your own rather than living according to trends. I had never thought about my values until I was in my 20’s; before that, I had done quite a few things that I remember feeling like I was supposed to enjoy because other people enjoyed it. However, after taking a moment to think about what was truly important to me, I realized that what I choose to do only has to appease my values. For example, if you value creativity and art, you might follow a path that aligns with creating rather than a path that specifically aims at success no matter the costs.

Final Thoughts

Again, I am aware of how limiting, restricting, or whatever you want to call it, this might come across because I fought them for a long time. However confining these ideas may sound, ironically, they are extremely liberating, much more so than one might think. 

If you enjoyed this article, please scroll down and leave a comment. If you’d be so kind as to support my page, subscribe to the newsletter so you’ll be notified every time an article gets posted. Thank you for reading!